since sometime during the winter of 1993 to 1994, when I was in eighth grade, I began to write down things that people around me said in a little black book. this book now contains over one thousand quotations following one parameter: everything in the book must be said by someone i know, or someone they know.
quotes said by me, by the way, are put in only at the request of others.
i stopped keeping the quotes book sometime around 2000 or so.
all typos and misquotations are clearly not my fault.
I only know where things happen in chickens.
Wait! You're upstairs, and you're a lesbian! What's the matter with you?
How can you be so bouncy so early in the morning?
to Sam Kusnetz at 8:00 am
We're shopping for chicken parts tonight.
Now became later very quickly.
You are what you make yourself.
I don't believe in judging people by their looks unless they're really
I wish for a non wishy-washy wash.
I'm not bitter. She's really a great girl. I really liked her at the
By all means: dog, splat, Mack truck, cry, cry, cry.
re. method acting
People are invited to take advantage of Barry Tropp after his show.
We are in very grave danger of producing theatre.
Hairstyles can change, but mothers shouldn't.
You can't mix English and American stationery.
We have sharp tongues in our house. We file them at night.
Jane is fine and Miss Avrich is fine. I don't like "Average Jane"
and I don't "Bitch", but other that
It's not a sea of fantasy, it's a sea of oy.
I love this hat. It's like wearing a sheep on my head.
They could die of disease, died in battle, eaten by yaks
Once upon a time, there was nothing. Except a coyote and two ducks.
This is about people. People! Not racoons!
I think you're giving his tongue a little too much credit.
And then, Death makes cupcakes!
I've stopped caring about tomorrow.
We can't understand the announcements; they're too Isaac.
Don't ya know those busses with cows and pigs!?
Cool! Yeah, that's right! That's good! That's good, that's good. Um...
Every time I got annoyed I just hit it. Obviously, I got annoyed too
re. her broken watch
Beasties are everywhere.
Wherever you go, there you are.
Time only exists so that everything doesn't happen at once.
You wanna hear something just like what you told me except maybe not?
What's the name of that place that sells those things?
I came here to teach, not to play with stiffs with cellos.
Sometimes, you just gotta be weak. That's all.
You're just losing your pants, but apart from that, it's perfect.
Theatre is about the space between two actors. The further apart they
are, the more classical. The closer, the more like television.
I bet Nutella would make even batteries and frogs sexy, even if they
didn't taste like chicken.
I've got more static electricity than anyone, but apparently it's a sign
of sexuality, so it's all good.
We see eye to eye, except when we see nose to nose, it's just a hell
of a lot harder to see with your nose.
You are your house co-exist, and there's a reason.
Oh... way later. Rick chased to zucchini months ago.
One word LOMTO. And it's all mine!
This is one of my favorite bras. The one my father couldn't figure out
how to undo.
I really don't feel like getting hit by a car today.
God. How did those dudes carve those marble things? Sitting there day
after day going chip chip chip...
If they steal it, it's just another excuse to kick their ass.
Sam! Ahhh! Help! It says: "H E C Y A" with little scandinavian
Omigod. You have to read about this chicken.
Do you guys like chlorophyll? I love chlorophyll.
A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
You observe a lot just by watching.
He's great, and I love him, but I'm still bitter about Belgium.
Everything boils down to philosophy, and philosophy is just neuroscience
I don't bathe and I'm proud.
Well not straddled in the strict sense of the word.
She had two younger sisters, but they weren't her sisters. One of them
might have been male...
discussing a dream
He probably thinks of me about as often as I think of your stove.
I'll try to make this quick and pertinent.
They said things like, y'know, things like, hey, well, things like...
I don't know what they pulled off or how they pulled it off, but they
Seducing, not kickboxing.
Inside my mouth is where I draw the line.
Come on Dana, sideways is fun!
This play is making me bleed from all sorts of weird places.
Your feet go one way, the rest of you goes the other way, and then you're
Sam, you're being quite unhelpful, quite intentionally.
I'm not big and foolish, I'm vertically enhanced and practically challenged.
Sometimes, he scares me. And the rest of the time, he really scares me.
Time is all mushy.
First the frogs, then Joanna, where will it end!?
Political Science is like trench warfare.
It's sorta this soaring, flying cool shit. And then it's this sinking,
swirling cool shit.
Wall Street. It's like, this street. Where all these people are coming
to get you.
James Bond's cummerbund does all sorts of cool shit.
Whenever someone asks me my name, I just panic.
That's just disrespectful. If you're gonna cook the president, cook him
Nooo! The bear can't see me! The bear can't see me!
re. a slipper
Josh, just play with your... stagecoach.
I thought about it. I thought, "I can't do that."
Techies are like percussionists. Little appreciated but absolutely essential.
Sam, the people you hang out with say such stupid things.
I may be able to deal with not enough sleep, but if I get sleep and it's
not enough, that's just bad.
It was really warm, and really neat, but there were lots of naked guys.
Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man tired and messes up his hair.
I'm laughing inside. I would be laughing outside, but then I couldn't
I'm not sure if I'd classify it as good, but it's definitely closer to
good than bad.
I meant plural in the sense of singular. As in, the royal half-schilling.
It's one thing when people are misinformed, or stupid, but when they're
just wrong, that's when I get angry.
Shut up and let me be the dictator that I wanna be.
Those Christians. They're always doing weird things.
Somewhere between January and June, someone said, "I wonder if there's
a filthy Craig in there."
Are you down with Lieber and Stoller? They're, like, these two jews who
wrote all this music.
It's Tuesday night, that's my problem! I'm supposed to be in the Purple.
Jew boys getting funky really turns me on.
This hurts my brain, and yet it makes a lot of sense.
I wanted to complain about something else but I can't remember what t
I wanna start saying more funny things now.
Do you know, I have nine students now! I took a cab here!
Why is there a trip on peace night? Why don't more staff members come to chorus? Why aren't I getting laid? These are the questions I have!
There is a serious dearth of chairs.
I wanna have little kids, but that would require me to go on more than
Parties on 93rd street! You all need to come to my house and go fucking
Aahhh! A weird bug just came into my life!
His name is Mac Huff. That's all I have to say.
Telling me not to gossip is like well, I don't have an allegory, but
it's just fucking stupid.
I used to say, "Shot at dawn," but I realized it was totally
unrealistic for me to be doing anything at dawn, much less shooting anyone.
All I can say, is that if anyone fucks with me, I will destroy them.
Ooh! You know what's cool? That viennetta shit. That shit is phat.
It's like Vienna with an etta on the end of it, motherfucker.
He didn't come back because he said he felt like a big fish in a small
pond. Well guess what? I'm a shark, and I'm gonna fucking eat you.
re. David Hanlon
Faith in Smaha gets you nowhere.
You laugh, but what I'm saying makes sense.
The wack copy's got a fa.
re. lousy sheet music
It's unreal that I get paid to do this.
re. working at Buck's Rock
It's so confusing what's written, let's just do what's written. It's
I'll satisfy your ego anytime.
It's not me, it's the G.
excuses at the piano
I hate mediocrity.
Don't thank me, I just wave my arms around and get paid.
I appreciate your opinions, even if they are wrong.
I want this disease!
You're like the verb czar. You always tell people when they're using
to Myq Kaplan
To be quite honest, I have no idea if that was correct, but I'm sure
it was a worthwhile experience nonetheless.
That can't be true, and thus will not be true.
This might be in the realm of bad.
Speak now, or suck it up!
People laugh at me and they call me crazy but I'm always right and deep
down in their hearts they know it.
It disturbs my natural order of the universe.
You are imported directly from HELL!
to Jon Yeager
It's this weird rhythmic thing.
Feel the passion God damn it!
Find these people. Hunt them down. And ask them: "What is, your
Sometimes in life, there are just more important things to do than other
You looked like someone from something when you said that.
I'm trying to turn it with my face.
All the other women fell in love with fruit trees.
I can see that bullshitting isn't one of your greatest skills. Fortunately,
it's one of mine.
She knows what you mean when you say what you do, and what you mean when
you say what you don't, and didn't know if you did.
You will come to good ends, despite that evil look on your face.
So why did He do that? Why did He leave them alone in that garden with
those two trees and that snake?
Well, from the point of view of the peacock, a peacock is whatever a
I'm your science teacher and you're all my little petri dishes.
the English teacher
What was my point? Oh yeah, God.
Being in America with fireflies is like being in England on drugs.
I'm good at chess, I just can't play the game.
We can all go naked, but we need to be entertained.
Make as many mistakes as possible, as quickly as possible.
Shanghaied means being mugged in Shanghai and thrown on a boat headed
to who knows where, forced to work hard, given almost no food, living in
constant threat of death, and probably being killed anyway. What this all
boils down to is: Don't walk around alone in Shanghai.
Yes! You can use a flashlight!
J. Lattif tastes like barbeque chicken.
There's a kind of freedom in being completely screwed because you know
it can't possibly get any worse.
in "The Freshman"
It's much more funny if you're in my head.
If I could caress you with my knee, I would.
She's like rice made into a voloptuous woman with a tight ass.
A covered bridge is like a tunnel, except it's a bridge.
"Bridge", a poem
I just had such a nice weekend. Why ruin it by going to school?
Prayers make you feel good, but they rarely do anything.
Young people like to learn. They do not like to be taught.
I hum, because I'm a neurotic mess.
As much as I love you, I also know you.
You are many things, but you are not Brahams.
We sing at the drop of a hat! This is life.
Hey hey hey! Jeh-suh muh heminuphu nuh!
You obviously haven't spent enough time in airports.
Just kill me now. Just put me in an oven and turn it on who.
Would you stop it with the fucking semantics!? We're talking about genitalia
There's two things you need to know about Blodgett. First, Blodgett is
tall. You're Shaquile O'Neil, he's still tall. Second, Blodgett is slow.
You're a snail, he's still slow.
The chances of having an all male slumber party in the Sistene Chapel
are rather slim.
Megan, it's your duty as CIT to be furniture.
Oh come on! You whack yourself far harder than I do.
Zoë, you are going to swallow now. And if you don't swallow, I am
going to kill you.
Guys don't wear jock straps recreationally.
The lips, the teeth, the tip of the tongue ah, fond memories!
re. his girlfriend
I have a leaky septic pipe that needs immediate attention, hence the
That's okay, 'cause if I lose, I win.
You big dork! I'm not lending you my underwear!
Randomness. Random thoughts going through my head as the wind goes through
the clouds and the moon cries HELP ME!
at the end of a long day
It's not a drag thing, you were just wearing women's clothes.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to
be when you kill them.
I think the meaning we're all going for is sex in general.
Your health coverage will be cancelled 2/1/87 due to the fact that you
Mailed to a dead person from a life insurace co.
I want to know how these animals work.
Yo Stef! Fuck you! Wanna fight?
picking a fight
I always mean to do exactly what the frisbee does.
You should be a piano teacher who doesn't get married, with a name like
re. Nell's middle name
Ooh, my my my. Men in uniform.
It's a wonder that boy brushes his teeth at all. He leaves his toothbrush
You just looked like you needed to be grabbed.
Will you shut up!? That is so not even comparable to the phatness I can
product from my mouth!
Maybe I hate being here.
Every time I see a T.V. show once, i see the same episode twice.
The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad.
I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd
eat it, and I just hate it.
She's thirteen! Last year, she was twelve!
All I have to do is stand still long enough and I'll think of something.
I dunno. I've seen some pretty unpleasent shit happen to dead things.
It's amazing how much people are like other people! I mean, it's like
we all have five fingers or something!
O! the inimitable appeal of the LSD boy!
They're afraid that we'll be pulled off the road of innocence and ravished
by some stranger in the woods. Or, that we'll jump off the road of innocence
and ravish some stranger in the woods.
Meanwhile, back in reality
Hello Buck's Rock! Welcome to... Buck's Rock.
My life as a teacher is a series of frustrations large and small.
I believe that art is a product of time and place.
We have entered a vast harmonic desert
If I were one of those people who talked to themselves, then I wouldn't
be here. I would be somewhere else. Talking to myself.
I love British people! They're always dressing up in women's clothes.
Why don't you just pour a vat of honey on it, or something. Then you
wouldn't have to get down on your knees.
They're not going to let me be a CIT. They won't let him be a CIT of
course, he has the maturity level of a tuna fish.
You can do whatever you want! This is math!
re. Nicky's math homework
re. Dante's Inferno
Never use Binaca as deoderant.
Until then, the French foriegn policy was, "Keep it messy!"
Bird shit! We gotta have it man, we gotta have it!
re. sources of nitrate
You can't do anything because you're always doing something.
If you're going one way, you might as well go the other.
I'm the longest bucker here. I get on that horse and keep on bucking.
re. Buck's Rock
Hooking up should be like eating popcorn. You just go out, and get some,
and it's fun.
You don't have to come to have fun.
Don't you hate it when you try to eat your pajamas and they taste like
Let's finish this. Then we won't be doing it anymore.
If it ain't fixed, don't broke it!
I think that jazz is the oldest form of Xerox.
Come on altos, don't give me a wimpy sound, give me a wookie sound.
Hugh Ferguson Floyd
Look. I only have one pair of pants without a hole in the crotch so don't
yell at me!
There was this lady, like lord-lady lady.
Were you there when I didn't have my shirt?
Ooh! Squishy things!
in Biology class
I'd like to pace and leave my scent.
I did have a favorite vegitable book!
Ham or passion: one sucks, the other's horrible.
If you only knew half the pants I owned...
That sounds good. I mean, don't rape kids, but yeah, that's fine.
You housebreak a yak, I'll call it anything you want.
I know how to sew! I sewed my butt
re. her pants
I've never wanted to go to bed right now as much as I want to go to bed
right now right now.
You guys are good at this celebration thing hey! Don't touch my ass with
Can I quickly get back to Egypt and a million years ago?
Please don't push me into these nice people, as much as I do want to
bounce off them.
Do you think Bayer and Advil could mate?
It's a great place to be from, and the frommer the better.
James Henry Flynn
Something's odd. I feel like I'm God... not anymore.
Why was there, like, chinese food growing out of your floor?
I wouldn't rape him, I'm just saying it would be really bad.
The great question which I have not been able to answer is, "What
does a woman want?"
You'll go home, and your Italian vocal teachers will give birth to dishes.
Dr. Janet Galvan
If we were pigs, and this music were mud, we'd be rolling in it.
Dr. Janet Galvan
I don't know where she gets her adjectives.
Shoot the dead people. They can't shoot you back.
Why? Because life sucks!
Hebrew and Math: my two favorite things.
the Good Little Catholic
A lot of people were born in people's heads.
I woke up this morning and I said, "By nightfall, I must be in San
No no, wait, that's muck out day. We're gonna be busy for a long time.
Danny San Germano
It's the most beautiful cow I ever seen. It just lies there like a beautiful
I saw someone that I didn't know that I knew.
I'm Switzerland: I'm staying out of this.
This water is really gassy!
You should taste this dog food: you won't believe how bad it is.
Jeez! I hate morons!
I just don't understand when people don't believe me.
Ballerinas don't walk like elephants.
Wow. Forty dollars for dinner. And we didn't get, like, pasta we got
big, serious pieces of dinner.
It's not the wuss factor that I mind, it's the deep down in-their-veins
Wow. That's weird. That's weirder than my head.
I'm waiting for Death to make the first move.
I didn't mean to disturb, I mean, I was walking by and she, you know,
Part of me is really interested, but part of you is really long winded.
Mom! Could you come here... with a knife?!
Sometimes they hide. They hide. Cucumbers are good hiders.
Carrots are not good hiders.
Or it's like a dog. A dog breaks too many bones, it can't do anything.
analogy for an electrical fuse
Do I have a copy of this? Because I don't have a copy of this.
Is my brain connected yet?
To take a train is the same as to take a bus.
God is no more moral than a sailor.
He's certainly not the love of my life, but I could look at him for a
really, really long time.
That night is all a blur to me: clowns and rain and noses everywhere.
Don't involve me in your childish games.
to Blodgett and Sam
I don't get paid for this, this is my life!
You as in the royal plural or you as in me?
My fling would have been really romantic if I had liked him.
Oh my God. Did I just smile at you? That's scary.
We all just live for being special.
I've got this down to a science
I failed science.
He always does shit with stuff.
Not only does he bring every conversation back to sex, but he brings
it back to his sex.
I love anything with balls.
Some of the funniest things are said.
I thought, "Wouldn't that be funny, if it was a mouse," you
know the thing about screaming about mice, but then I thought, "These
are liberated Buck's Rock women. They wouldn't scream about mice."
re. the Mouse in the Ark
You didn't see my bellbottoms of doom!?
I fall for you like a lemming off a cliff.
You gotta have a first girlfriend now and then.
They were college monks. They probably did the divine form of heroin.
I hate thinking about infinity. It makes me nauseous.
In case of complete failure, just sort of look at me and panic. I'll
You don't tell stories until they're over.
Robert W. Hanning
I mean, under his gaze, she becomes a mixture of the animal and vegetable
Robert W. Hanning
Who we are is who we perform ourselves to be.
Robert W. Hanning
This is language as a blunt instrument.
Robert W. Hanning
You know when things happen in threes like that, you're either in a fairy
tale or a joke, right?
Robert W. Hanning
You may not want to take my word for it, but I think you should.
Robert W. Hanning
Lizzie, get off my bed right now. You're gonna give me cooties.
in the middle of the night
Why do we wear them? I mean what are they? They're weird things.
If you look down my shirt, it's insanity down there. That's all I have
Aah! I don't like having my laundry around everyone else. It's like my
Imagine if someone described me as drop dead gorgeous. I mean, I'd just
keel over and die.
Guys, I'm drooling and I'm not even asleep yet.
Someday you are going to suffocate in your sleep, and it's going to be
me, and I'll confess it, and I'll go to jail, and I'll be happy.
to Steve Ansell
You know what would be a stupid invention? An edible steering wheel.
Because you could get hungry when you're driving, and eat your steering
wheel, and then you'd be screwed.
Oh my God, I think I swallowed my tongue. Oh my God, I did swallow my
I'm going to some sort of party that I wasn't really invited to, except
I was invited to it, except it's not really a party.
I'd tango for good food.
In Europe, all you need to say is, "Can I have a beer?" and
they say, "Here you go, sonny, make a man of you then we will."
A cappella is the cheese on the music shed pizza.
I spelled M wrong.
Life is solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short.
Wait! I'm not wearing feet!
There's nothing bad about homework except that you have to do it.
I am a cheap substitute for adrenaline.
Okay! I think you know what you're doing. Well, I hope you know what
you're doing. Um... you do know what you're doing, right?
It's all my mother's fault. If it weren't for her, I wouldn't be such
I can't help it. I'm two thirds redneck.
He's got glands the size of your head.
Counting is not important in math.
People are the only people who say anything.
Mrs. Mott: short. German. Wide.
What!? You can't name a bear something that rhymes with Stradivarius
One man's experiment is another man's pancake.
You're anal; they're clowns.
All of my nonsense always starts with flibuduh.
I don't know if you're stupid or funny!
The first time you bring a razor near me, I'll steal it, and shave your
You don't get a name if you're one person.
Our next stop would have been the police station; it was on the way to
re. being followed
It's kinda hard to ask somebody out at camp. I mean, you say, "Would
you like to go out?" and she says, "Yeah, but where?"
Never buy 600 individual donuts. It's just not a good idea.
They didn't have money to feed their food.
And this is New York, where, "Can we help you?" means "What
the fuck are you doing here?"
an urban sociologist
Divine love: it sounds great, but what does it taste like?
Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your
John F. Kennedy
Some men see things the way they are and ask, Why? I dream things that never were and say, Why not?
Robert F. Kennedy
I'm a gemini. I know I'm up to something.
Well, I guess we start at a corner, get a hammer and some nails, and
do some crazy stuff.
Hey you. Little boy. Stick this under her butt.
in the theatre
I've got a turnip, and I'm not afraid to use it.
Life is short; live it up.
My relatives pay for my body piercing.
Now don't you wish I had my toilet paper?
It's really kind of noisy out there. Does anybody have a gun?
re. Middle Schoolers
Well, if I have to rape him, that that, I have to rape him.
I keep forgetting to chew
Fortunately, I have a permanent broom up my butt.
All the songs that I write are originals.
The number of imaginary walls I'm having to draw is making me throw up.
Hey! That's not her head! That's my pants!
They're got names, they come from places!
Just give a holler if you need a gender change.
I eat like a bird. Wait, no. I don't eat little seeds and shit.
The God special is up at ten tonight.
That's not a whole lotta genesis.
That's not a plan, that's an itinerary.
A breadbox is not a vegetable, even when it's made out of wood.
I'm an exploding clam kind of guy.
You're from Spain? Límon, límon, sí?
I fall asleep. I fall asleep often, don't I? It's just that I wake up.
When one is entering realms, one must be cautious.
How many different ways can you misspell something right?
Shave it off, and in a week you'll have what I want.
I, despite what you may think and what prior experiences with me may
suggest, am telling the truth.
If you'll pardon me, I'm gonna go cut the shmutz out of my leg hair.
If I hard boil you, your soul takes off pretty damn quick.
She expresses herself so much without her clothing.
Dave, that wasn't a come hither look, that was a go yonder look.
Hello, I am not a bird.
Enzymes bend space and time.
realizations in AP Bio
All conversation about my anatomy must now stop.
I refuse to believe that all that noise was about my anatomy.
It's not heaven! There were no women, just cookies.
I've never seen you laugh so hard as when you laughed at my face.
Once we did a cappella without a piano.
We all whisper and we all scream. We're all whisperers and screamers.
It's not fair! She's slippery!
You always say, "No sex backstage, no sex in the loft, don't kiss
her," you're a contraceptive, that's what you are!
My handwriting is interpretive
Do you guys need me to put on clothes or something?
What didn't happen happened very fast.
Hello, I'm talking about you hello, I'm talking like you!
Will the corpse and the necrophiliac please get off the stage?
Other than being my friend, frogs have no purpose.
It's easy to tell what you like, I mean, you're you!
It's people like you who make graphs ugly.
I don't even know what I was doing. I mean, I know, but I don't know
why. I mean, I know why, but looking back on it, I don't think I should
My life is a film, and the cameraman is on crack.
YeeAAAAhhguhhhaah it SUCKS but I'm not bitter...
Too many people in this world; the problem with them is, they suck.
What is all this junk and how did it get on my shelf!?
cleaning his room
If I speak, I run the risk of making sense.
The more incoherantly you speak, the closer it is to bedtime.
It has to run before it can be nice.
Am I? Hah! Do ducks fly and swim in the water and go quack and get compared
to witches? Yes. Of course I am.
Phllech! You taste like band-aids too.
I crush your general existence!
Amendmant Ten! Yeah, that was one of the first ten amendmants!
My stupidity has nothing to do with the fact that I'm right.
"Liquor and Deli." No no, wait. It says "Del."
The force is an energy field. It surrounds us, penetrates us, binds us
together. Like spaghetti.
Eat, eat. Put some skin on your bones.
That's just too abstract for words.
No. That's not ventriloquism, that's stupidity.
THIS ORDER WILL COME TO MEETING!!!
too early in the morning
Take LSD. Then you can fix anything.
re. Lighting & Sound Design
I think we've all toyed with each other's minds long enough; meeting
If the room would only stay still, then I could do stuff in it.
Like, I look at something, and it's there.
Now, you won't appreciate this 'cause you're not an optometrist.
The spoon player is the man!
The further it is from now, the less likely that it will hurt soon.
A del is a deli that doesn't sell lox. Not locks, L-O-C-K-S, but lox,
with an "X" as in fish.
My dog hears, "Blah blah blah biscuit", you hear "Blah
blah blah naked!"
Freeze! Like a rabbit in the footlights.
I hate facial hair on myself.
They have something anti against me.
I hate when you repeat myself.
Candy corn is out of season.
That cake is so good I could eat the whole pie.
What's he gonna do? Pull me over and drink my soda?!
He's fun to hang out with when he's being normal.
There's cake on everybody's elbow.
It's Brett, and it's pubescent, and it's wrong.
I could spend an entire lifetime licking that neck and consider my life
well spent and full of meaning.
Imagine if there were as many people with red hair as there are with
brown hair. The world would be so much brighter!
Nothing's gonna come out of me even if you squeeze.
I hate button fly jeans more than life itself.
You don't throw feminine hygene products. Ever.
He beats them late at night, I can beat them now.
re. Joey Roth and his drums
Even if you understand them, you don't understand them.
Matt Fantaci? He'll screw anything on wheels.
I have a quote. But, I lost it. I mean, it's there, but if I say it,
it won't be.
We're two people, so that makes one... and they're only two...
You're talking about her nun her hat.
I mean, there's not much you can do with bloated fish and rocks.
I have a lot of things in my pants. Yahtzee is not one of them.
Just because my pants are way too short doesn't mean you can take advantage
I've got major beef and I'm not wearing any clothes!
Everyone looks different without their shirts on.
Hey Dan, you got kinda wet knees, what's been going on?
Yo. She's got like sex appeal.
Now it's a whole new wet spot.
No breast touching Thomasin!
A lot of women in one room: it's chaos.
I want the really little boy.
The meaning of life is like a bar of soap: when you think you have it,
it just slips through your fingers.
A lot of things make me horny, one of which is not naked women.
Sex and kissing is like oxygen to you, Thomasin.
When worlds collide, you get four worlds. Sometimes more. Unless they're
I want to go out into the wilderness! And discover major geographical
features! And name them after people I love!
I like him! He's like a big teddy bear... with power!
re. Stanley Bosworth
No, no Blodgett! The light you idiot, not your pants!
So I die. Life goes on.
I'm in a compressed air kind of mood.
I feel sorry for the serpent. I mean, he's just lying there, and then
voom! "Ooh, I'm evil!"
Love can be knowing when to let go.
I was planning a lovely afternoon of sneaking around Greenwich Village
in black pajamas throwing knives at each other, but I guess you've just
ruined that now, haven't you?!"
And how are you supposed to seduce someone with your tongue in knots,
I'd like to know.
Has anyone ever explained to you exactly how much you deviate from a
normal demographic curve?
Stop and play are mutually exclusive.
re. a tape player
Is it too late to go back in time?
Ok... we got blood.
I am the ghost of Christmas past... bitch!
Everyday, I discover new and interesting things about you guys that turn
It's not under your belt, it's over your head!
They got out of London, and did theatre in the wings... er, provinces.
My VCR goes 12:00, 12:00, 12:00 'cause I can't program it, but this baby
grew his own pinky while upside-down and submerged.
Dauntless, noble, unusual, adorable.
Do you know what would happen to you if you were hunting and you killed
an Amish person!?
You know, they all do as much as they can, and nobody tells them what
to do, and sometimes they're are naked, and sometimes they have a bathtub
in the woods.
The thing is, men are just clueless when it comes down to it.
She's confused, he's confused, everything's confusing.
re. Adam & Eve
I'm totally, inadvertantly perfect.
We're at Saint Ann's: simplified reality.
I'm feeling clueful!
Any landing you can walk away from is a good one.
Gerald R. Massie
I've been coming here for four years and I've finally met you, and you're
to Erika Blumberg
You could be a rodent. If you don't stop chewing it'll go into your brain.
Never let the truth get in the way of a good story.
Here are your pants. May I have my socks, please?
Why are you wearing a scarf and nothing else?
They wouldn't put books by male and female authors on the same shelf.
Oh no, they might get together and make little pamphlets.
Eat the ice cream while it's on your plate.
One guy, and I'm off my hands.
I don't know what you've experienced, but I'm trying to provide an alternative.
You may go to the court, and the court might say, "Go 'way go 'way
One poet, enough. One song, hum it. One chair, the rock is fine. Spartan
You know how they can be! People! They get so upset about this, they
get so upset about that.
When giants battle with giants, there's blood all over the place.
That guy gets blamed for everything.
Cicero says yes, Mill says yes, Scheck says no...
I don't like Cap'n Crunch, I don't like blue unitards, and I don't like
Amanda Lipitz, but otherwise, I'm OK.
Relationships: can't live with them, can't live without them, and you
look really silly if you kill yourself over them.
Have you ever heard of Heaven? I mean, not the proverbial Heaven, I mean
there's this, sort of, coffee shop called Heaven
It's like taking the measurement of a ten foot person and another ten
foot person and comparing them.
You guys are scaring me. Guys, you are really scaring me. You're scaring
me guys. Scaring me, guys, are you. I can't emphasize how scared I am by
you guys yeah.
High school sucks. I mean, it's great and wonderful and I wouldn't miss
it for the world... but it sucks.
It's great dancing with him, because he's really strong. Not scary strong,
but strong enough so you not like, "Who is this weakling whose arms
Why is it immoral? Because there's three of them, or because they're
doing it in math class?
Coco van Meerendonk
I like girl things! One of these days, I'm gonna marry one of those girl
Hey man, it's a Communist kitchen.
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that someone's not out to get
So yay for all of us.
That's exactly like it is in French except it's completely different.
This is what it feels like to be like you.
Sometimes I really I could sing, because then if I wanted to break into
song, it wouldn't be so bad.
It'd be so cool to dig and, like, find stuff.
Don't quote me on this.
How do you sing three [notes] at once?
I haven't tied my shoe yet. I don't think I'm ever going to get to it.
I'm sorry I couldn't participate, I was tied up.
I would like to thank myself.
If you have to get intoxicated, do it in the spirit of the place.
Time flies when you're in handcuffs.
It takes a lot of guts to get up there and suck.
I'm laughing because she's, like, crying.
That looks like my roommate.
re. a Daddy Longlegs
Look at him. Look at you. Get out of my armpit!
Oh! You mean a live little French boy!
This is a sexy little lasagna here.
What day of the week is next friday?
People go to the suburbs because they're scared. But when I go to the
suburbs, I'm terrified.
If nobody dies, it's not a movie.
Hey, I'm sick. I need help.
Fuck off, boat!
I've seen a tree explode before, why did it explode?
All my good ideas suck.
You came out first so you think everything's yours.
to his twin
Disproportionate people are very interesting.
The awfice needs LSD! LSD to the awfice.
The Buck's Rock Office
re. Lighting & Sound Design
When your hearing fails, use logic.
Life goes on, even without lunch.
When you have the gift of music, don't waste it: torture everyone.
Do you realize that a year from now, Emily's gonna be a year older than
she is now, and she's gonna keep doing that year after year?
Women are meant to have their legs open.
When did I become an edible person?
There's a limit to how many first impressions one can make.
Men are easier. They're stupid, and you don't have to talk to them.
Sam, I love you because you know my mind before it comes out of my mouth.
Well, that could be good, because when he said, "Charge the French!"
the Russians might think that they're not charging them!
What we need is a giant bathtub where we keep all our sins, and your
cruisers attack my cruisers.
The best place for lyrics is just short of unintelligible.
This should be so easy! We all speak english, that's a really good start.
Math is ugly.
Algebra 1 Proverb
Don't cut your toenails with a broadsword.
You can't be paranoid because everything really is out to get you.
Role Playing Game Proverb
I'm doing the opposite of molesting her! I'm trying to keep her clothes
I wanna sleep, and I wanna facial!!!
Oh! Yes! I remember! There was jello!
Just because part of my family is part cow doesn't mean you need to get
nasty about it.
I have very bad luck with plants at parties.
She's one of those people who can, like, do stuff.
If it's good, you gotta lick it.
I mean, they had random furs hanging off them! How could they not have
I want to dance like dance like dance dance.
Yo, like, pick a personality and go with it.
Hi, hi, do you know you're exposing yourself?
People's bodies are so strange.
Oh, excuse me, like, fuck you.
Use all your bizarre qualities.
Dios está en los detalles.
(God is in the details.)
Well, yeah. People in the real world do, but not Saint Ann's people.
There are no little chainsaws.
Yeah. It's kinda got that mush to it.
re. the letter L
What's more ambitious? Trying to take over the heaven, or trying to date
two guys at once?
So, you're telling me that my head was on the other end of a historic
I don't consider it a good day unless I've beaten some sort of rule.
Don't build a boat in your basement.
Take something you need and make it look like art.
Drafting is just like connect the dots. Put three to four to five and
Donald Duck is chasing Road Runner.
There is just no way to drafdt intimately for thirty five people.
I hope i didn't offend anybody's house.
The few options that you have do exist.
I have such a problem with reality.
George and the Lima Bean is a worthy cause, but even the Holiday Inn
doesn't have a room that big.
re. considerations while designing a set
Art doesn't have to be painful. It's more fun when it doesn't hurt. Trust
You gotta find the chocolate chips, you gotta find the dough, you gotta
find the pot, you gotta find the... bong... no, that's before the cookies...
Mechanical perspective gives the impression that the earth is round.
You're going along the piece of glass. You're in a bad World War II movie,
you're in a German sub. Eheheh... oh no! There's a boat named "A"!
Mark it on the glass... just pretend that you're a U-boat and you're all
on mechanical perspective
I couldn't have said it better myself. Obviously. Or else I would have.
It's not exactly OSHA approved.
Do a little Louis-the-Fourteenth.
drawing a coffee table
It's a quiet night, just me and this skull.
It's a Greek thing.
re. a level
Most of us are some kind of social outcast, and the theatre is the only
place that will take us.
To the outside world, we look really odd.
If you do "borrow" things, be careful that it's not too obvious
that you borrowed them.
That's the only thing I can fuck up well.
There's nothing worse than an unruly corpse.
God be good, God be great, yay God.
"The Abridged Ceder"
I've given up. Now when people ask me, "How are you?" I say,
"Just terrible, thanks."
re. her bad mood
I'm just not quotable anymore.
I'm spending all this money on your brain. You're not getting married
So who's the bitch who took our Quintessence?
Sam, put the condom on it.
re. an electric motor
Myq, I don't want to have sex with you at all. You repulse me. You smell.
Go take a shower, shave, and get out of those pajamas. Then we'll talk maybe.
on Honesty Day
You haven't lived until you've died.
Almost all the lines follow the one right before.
I'd rather have your job. At least you can fall off a ladder.
Something about the bus, the pink with the black, it makes me wanna fuck.
The woman who was standing in the middle of a two-lane highway and got
hit by a truck was standing in the middle of a two-lane highway when a truck
was coming. How can I pity that?
Behave yourself, and if you can't behave yourself, leave the scene of
the crime quickly.
I went to the ceramics shop and one thing led to another.
re. clay on his face
Take that card out of your hat! It's a cult thing and I don't like it.
The thing about film, let's say the beginning shots are in Spain. So
they say, "We're gonna go to Spain." But then the end shots are
in Spain too. So they say, "Alright you just got married." So
you gotta be all, "I love you, I love you." But by the end of
the week, in the last part of the film, you've killed your wife and accountant
so you've gotta be like "AAAHH! I can't take it anymore!" Oh well.
I guess that's what makes an actor an actor or a nervous wreck.
That's fucking amazing. It's like when you dump something into something
in chemistry and it's blue.
Subtlety? You wouldn't know subtlety if someone bashed you over the head
to Rick Shanley
I really really wanted to see him. It was like a craving. Like potato
They're gravity-happy dogs.
re. bassett hounds
Hello, it's kinda my mom, I kinda gotta go.
Things do fucked up things at the fucking sub-atomic level.
As I recall, bugs were such a novelty.
Now, Annie, I don't want you to be caught by surprise again: tomorrow's
I'm a convert. I don't know what to.
and I kept coming in with a goat.
All the things I'm going to say, I'm not going to say.
I'm so much more of an advocate of relationships that actually exist.
And then it could get as big as daddy, and then it could eat him!
re. an iguana
David Bowie's crotch is right at the top of all the things I don't want
to see. Ever.
Would you stop flipping around, Isaac? I'm trying to rub your back.
You don't know Rick. If you did, you would.
You don't know how much I'll kill you, and how often.
I was wondering, when exactly did my subconscious get hold of a knife?
All right. You move heaven and earth, I'll do the rest.
I always know it after you tell me.
It's terrible. Well, not terrible but dull and boring and full of cows.
I love having underlings! People to whom you can say, "Go! Bring
There are two things that a person needs to get by in this world. One
is a healthy respect for everything, and that you have. The other is a healthy
DIS-respect for everything, and that you are yet to develop.
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were a wall.
I was sick. Or my grandmother was there. One of the two.
Y'know that fine line between sanity and complete derangedness? He flosses
his teeth with it.
I love them, I really do, I just wish that maybe they lived somewhere else.
I love them, it's just sometimes I don't like them.
re. her sisters
I am... often civil to my little sisters.
Oh yeah, well he has an incredible range even though he can't sing.
re. Bob Dylan
This is too weird. This is just way too fucking weird. This is... STOP
THAT WITH THE FUCKING PEN!!!
I wanna be able to make graph sounds.
It's kind of I don't know. Kind of, kind of I dunno. You get the picture.
She is NOT a lamb. She's more of a cross between a donkey and a hippopotamus
and a tiger and I-don't-know what else.
I know that book like a book.
I hate sounding stupid. But I don't hate sounding stupid in person.
I think it means what I think it means.
A record... that sounds like a recording, right? But compact disc! A
compact disc could be a small frisbee!
That's God. That's not me.
I'm not doing this for fun. I'm doing it to amuse myself.
Power kicks ass.
Look. The reason I'm here is because I ordered Thai food it's too complicated
No one understands why I keep sniffing your hair.
She has to live in that head.
Developing social skills before college is very important.
Many men have power trips because of my neck.
God must have had a wonderful time with your larynx.
It's scary how much fun we have with orifices.
It's all fun and games until someone loses a limb. Then it's an organized
I believe in heaven and not hell, and sometimes reincarnation depending.
You are very cuddly. You're like a big ball of cuddles that smells of
Well I think we've had enough insanity around here for one day, let's
re. Jake & Andrew at 11:30 pm
I've lost the park.
Keep doing that and I'll tickle you to death.
Knowing you is like going into the jungle. I don't know what to expect,
and I'm completely afraid.
to Elane Raskin
I'm so glad I find myself funny, because otherwise it would just be unbearable
to be with me.
Woah. I OD'ed on, like, stuff.
I don't even know everybody that I know.
Oh. They're wah-rrr-ing.
How often am I always in your face!? I'd say less often than always.
If you wanna be on a sandwich, you wanna be provalone.
Portugal is a very religious country. If I drove like that, I'd be very
It's not my fault that i only notice people's ears!
You're not watching it like a hawk. You're not watching anything. You're
not even looking at me. And I am a hawk.
There can be hours between the so and the what of the so.
Something really warped must be you.
No, Sam, wrong. No ooh, no la-la.
God's got the ultimate poker face.
Sam, lemme tell you something silly about my underwear.
Read, memorize, eat.
re. the Student Handbook
Hey! This Satan is sticky!
I know you didn't mean that kind of backup. But I'm not that kind of
Look at that shit fly. Well... you'd fly too if you hit the fan.
I'm so addicted to pain killers that I can't even function without them
so would you just get off the phone!? Deep breath
I trust my notepad. My notepad rarely lies.
Sometimes the simplest things simply find a way to be
I dunno how he can use that pen thing. The pen thing is just... Wah!
Wah wah wahwahwah!
But that's just my opinion.
This is great! He gets money for parties and he gets paid in food!
re. the President
I'm in such a hideously good mood, that it's pissing me off, and I love
As you grow and change, you think you're a growing and changing person.
But when you stop and think about it, you say, "Nope. Same old me."
Suddenly, it makes a very, very small amount of sense.
This is the triumph of hope over experience.
There's no such thing as perfection.
Life!? This isn't life. This is Saint Ann's. This is the opposite of
Wrea wrea wrea! Burning esophagus! Wrea wrea wrea!
Life is a learning experience.
Sometimes what you never say means more than all the words you hear.
I don't want to be here! I just want to eat lunch. All day.
Life is one thing. Relationships are something much more serious.
Life goes on. And on. And on.
Timing is key.
Time is bullshit.
Even if God is a 'Mechanic', everything needs a tune-up now and then.
One never knows, does one? Especially when one is me.
Sam, you are a sick boy. You'd scare me, except you don't.
Yes... unless Josh spends some time blathering.
I'll leave you alone if you let me sit on you.
to Kate and Rick
Ah... I can have some fun with this. I can just be like, rah! Rah rahrahrah
No. Ray is definately a bagel. And so is his pizza.
Falling on spikes out of context just isn't funny.
Whoa! They got some pretty charred and blackened shit in that movie!
No. There are some things that you just don't stew. You don't stew live
iguanas and you don't stew yourself.
No, Sam. That sounds like you're murdering a box of crayons.
I seem to be working up some randomness here...
The 30 years war lasted 13 years. And then another 7. And then another 10.
It's easy. It's like I dunno like picking rice out of a bowl of rice.
You know, unbent paperclips don't work for some things.
I've never seen anyone fuck a bulldozer. I've seen people fuck in bulldozers,
on bulldozers and under bulldozers, but I've never seen anyone fuck a bulldozer.
Wouldn't it be cool if the book weren't just limited to people? Like
if other things said interesting things too?
I don't want to pick up any more fucking little obnoxious coins!
All his songs have approximately the same chords in basically the same
He's making sense, he's just not making sense.
Alison, don't die about science.
Right now, we don't need speed, we need quickness!
The origin of the cosmos seems to be very wet.
re. creation myths
There's nothing more valuable than a good health plan.
There are other, more exciting nests!
on leaving the nest
I can show you the difference between a man and a woman very easily.
I mean, what could you do in twenty-nine minutes?!
If I die in a second, just let me know.
Light has always bothered me philosphically.
It has nothing to do with sex, just Sam and his cookie.
Of course our data was false: we made it up!
So sex is really a delicate issue
You're a boy. There's differences.
Marina, that wasn't math, that was sex.
I'm all mitochondria, baby. Here I come.
The Sperm to the Egg
Plants are instant gratification organisms.
You guys are way too smart for my head.
I say sex. It's much more interesting than "reproduction."
I may go to Bryn Mawr, but I don't swing that way.
You're still in black, but you keep getting furrier.
At least Helen Keller wasn't wrapped up in crepe paper with people taking
pictures of her!
I think attempted suicide should be punishable by death.
I have random parts of you all over my room.
Some days crash and burn. This one exploded on takeoff.
Your [computer] program has turned into an all night motel.
Didn't that get him shot and dead?
Oh my God. There's just so much of my stomach to grab, it's unbelieveable.
OK. When do you want me to climb on top of her?
I think that fat people look so cute in life jackets.
I'm here for your goo, baby.
Eww! Why am I wearing pants that extinguish my butt?
Hello! This isn't theatre, this is rape.
Guys, I am so naked!
...which was regurgitated by Bob Dole.
Random Kid on the Stairs
One death is a trajedy;
one million deaths is a statistic.
Not only did I not ask you to pour anything in my drink, but I really
don't appreciate it.
Hey Crystal. You wanna wear my grandma's shoes?
Random Girl on the Street
We've killed rats bigger than you.
You don't "moon" in spanish, you just show your butt.
I, like God, do not discriminate.
We're not doing the four food groups for our plays.
You are just too funky for life. I can't handle it.
to Erika Blumberg
I could play it up in, like, eighth position and make it all warm and
You're my prom, bitch.
The purpose of class is to be in it.
I'll just stop right now, then you'll never learn anything and then we'll
If you are a man, then you will face the consequences of your actions.
We are a family, we are not Cuba.
to her mom
We've gotten ourselves lost in this relatavistic swamp.
Hey Sphinx! I know it it's a breadbox!
I did it for a reason, it just doesn't matter.
Nail the hammer into the can.
Steve's a flake, but he's not a flake.
She has an excuse. It's Burger Day. Emotions are high.
Yeah I lost weight, it went from my belly to my ass.
Where's everybody going? It's still burger day.
I need gum. Or something to put in my mouth.
She can have him, I just want to borrow him for a night. I'll give him
That's the problem: you can't just indulge yourself. It doesn't happen
That's when you turn big again and eat the owl!
Drink the blood, eat the meat, be happy. It's the american way.
Everybody always misunderstands my face.
I'm going to tell you what I think, and then I'll tell other people what
These are supposed to be quotes! As in they're true!
Gravity just isn't what it's supposed to be.
Three hours counts, regardless of the reason.
I walk into the bathroom and suddenly I'm kissing someone.
Why would I be serious?
That girl is gorgeous. I'm going to be friends with her.
on the first day of camp
I can't deal with my body making weird noises without my consent.
It's seems like a really long time and no time at the same time.
Wanna see me look like a loaf of Challa?
Only ten minutes of that was against the rules!
OK, you both need breasts
You are generic.
This bed makes me so happy.
Do want me to look like I'm having an orgasm or what?
Rock, paper, scissors, God!
He's not gay, but he wears tight shirts because he likes England.
Look. It's a spoon. With weird spoon connotations.
Emily Meg Weinstein
That's crazy. That's a lot of na.
Emily Meg Weinstein
re. Hey Jude
I love his sense of humor: he laughs at my jokes.
Emily Meg Weinstein
I'm not a rice dreamer.
Emily Meg Weinstein
My soul has been fed!
Emily Meg Weinstein
Yeah! People are always complaining about suction.
Emily Meg Weinstein
Feed me or die trying!
And then Joseph took off his pants!
I used to think that Ben was the guy and Jerry was the cow.
No, not today, a while ago. But it was today when it happened.
My life is a bent fork, my life is a buck on a rock.
I was using a blowtorch, and it could have burned me, but it didn't,
because I was in control.
There is no word for this salad but decrepit.
He must get really warm in his spare time.
Once you get to college, all you need is duct tape and a dream.
Zippers can break, and then you're stuck in your pants. And that's unfortunate.
What, you're bored of two women lying on top of you, so now you wanna
come play with me? No. It doesn't work that way.
I've heard that I float well.
You're never there anywhere, you're everywhere.
Bjorn's cool! He's got soul, he's got cod cod and salsa.
re. Sweedish Afro-Cuban music
Leon was fast, this kid was scared.
Pladliness is next to Godliness.
the philosophy of Bob Rubin
Elvis was a dumbass redneck!
This is visual thing. It involves xeroxing.
Did your hair grow? Or did you cut it?
I was there when you told me that.
Do you guys get autumn? Do you believe is seasons?
I wasn't afraid that I would die, I was afraid that she would find out
and I would be killed.
I knew what I was doing, but I didn't realize it.
Sun, Earth, Moon, Volkswagen.
Which is to say what you said, which is to say, it's all good.
It's the rate at which you would be changing were you changing when you
would be changing.
Space and Time aren't the comfortable metal furniture we thought they
We'd all be doing theology, except there aren't as many cool numbers
Your birth may be the most concrete example of original sin in the modern
to Sam Kusnetz
Average velocity is so much easier to deal with than squaring your mother
You know what they call you when you say, "I don't know"? Incompetent.
Whatever's good, I listen to. Everything else just sucks.
re. his taste in music
My parents dropped me on my head a lot when I was a baby 'cause they
really liked cooking oil.
It would be kind of stupid to have a computer in the middle of Connecticuit.
So they think "Good" is hitting a poor guy on the head with
I hope that you're having an extremely pleasant day, and that you will
continue to have it well into tomorrow.